I'm back... sorta

I know this is my first post and everything, I actually don't think anyone will read this, but I'll jump right into it.

I played my first real hockey tonight after a hiatus of around 2-3 years of not even being on the ice. My friend recently started playing again and was really enthusiastic to bring me out and play at this place that hosts shinny hockey every night at midnight. I've always been hesitant to go, but today in a rare bout of excitement about the idea, I called him up and actually suggested it to him. What I didn't tell him and I myself didn't realize, was that my excitement really revolved about something stupid (I forget exactly what) like getting to wear a jersey I hadn't ever worn to hockey. Anyhow, I was excited, I even called up another friend of mine to get him to come out, thus committing myself totally to the whole evening because not only had I initiated it with one person, but now had invited one more who was depending on me and the whole plan.

Fast forward a couple hours where my first friend who'd been to this shinny hockey calls me up and tells me:

Friend: "Hey just to let you and the guy you're bringing know, the guys that mostly play here are Junior A and such"
Me: "Great! Juniors, I like the sound of that."

And with that I went on my merry way the rest of the day.

Quick hockey lesson that I obviously missed during that phone call: The classification of leagues in hockey go something like this.

Houseleague (This WAS me - 3 years ago, last time I'd been on the ice)
Select
Single A
Double A
Triple A
Junior A (This is the majority of the guys I played with tonight)
OHL/CHL
NHL

So suffice to say, I got quite embarassed, and frustrated, and ultimately upset because at the end of the day as a goalie (I'm a goalie by the way, I'm assuming that if you're reading this you know me and you already have this tidbit of information - if you don't know me and don't know this, then I apologize for telling you so late into the blog), you kinda judge yourself by the amount (and quality) of saves you make. So not only was I upset and disappointed at my poor level of conditioning and lack of practice, but the skill level of the players made it impossible to "do anything" that would raise my confidence in the least. Sure I stopped shots, but mostly the brief moments where I looked good were a result of their fucking up, rather than anything specific I did.

My friend says I was and am too hard on myself, but its a difficult position as a goalie; one really is the loneliest number, and as a goalie you live that life. There's no one you can really count on, and while with any other position on the ice, there's leeway where one of the other players can cover for you or something can be someone elses fault, if you don't perform as a goalie, it's all on you. So I felt bad, for myself because I was more or less getting embarassed, for the other players who obviously are used to playing with star caliber goalies (such as the other gentleman who was in net opposite me who was stopping everything these superstars were throwing at him).

I just got a little bummed out because I'm a highly competitive person, and it's not enough for me to just go out there and do something for the sake of doing it, I have to be somewhat good at what I'm doing, especially if I was once good at it. Don't get me wrong, in my hayday I couldn't have held a candle to these guys, but the whole experience felt a little asinine, because even if I were better I wouldn't be able to stop them, so there's no way to measure any improvements in my skill/ability when theirs is so much higher than mine. At best, I felt like a clumsy stumbling pylon in their way, and while a pylon is better than an empty net, I couldn't help but feeling that it's only just slightly.

I don't know if I'll go out to play again with these guys, but I definitely wanna go out and play hockey with good people - there's just a difference between good people and "just missed out on being professionals".